Okay, over the past few days there has been much heated debate over my book For Fear of Little Men. Many rumors (all of them false) have been be heavily circulated about the book, by several members of my church. Most of these rumors are saying that my book is and I quote "anti-Mormon propaganda". I would like to comment on this accusation, and point out the fact, that I myself am a Mormon, in fact, other Mormons refer to me as "an Orthodox Saint", a term which means to say that I am one of the strictest, most serverly church-law abiding members of the Mormon church which you will ever encounter. I live the doctrines, to the letter, EXACTLY as they were laid down by Joesph Smith BEFORE they were corrupted by Brigham Young and I do not classify ANY changes made to the church AFTER Smith's death as valid or ordained by God. Even the FLDS and RLDS members have a hard time fathoming or living up to those strict standards, and as strict as they are, their members consider me and my unyielding rigid adherence to Smith's original pre-1840's church to be more than they could ever hope to live.
Their have also been rumors (also being spread by members) circulating which say that I am not LDS but rather RLDS or FLDS. These are also not true. I have never had any affiliation with either the FLDS or the RLDS churches and I wouldn't even know where to look to find them.
I was born and raised in the Cape Elizabeth Ward of the LDS Church in Cape Elizabeth, Maine, the building itself was built by hand, one brick at a time by my family, who were the FIRST, ONLY, AND ORIGINAL members of the LDS church in the State of Maine. If it had not been for my family - there would not be any LDS church buildings in Maine at all, due to an old law which forbid the LDS church from entering into Maine - my family fought to change that law to enable the LDS church to build it's very first church building in Maine - The Cape Elizabeth Ward
Later on, two Wards meet in that same building each Sunday - both the Cape Elizabeth Ward and the Portland Ward. In the 1970's the Whindam Ward broke off of it. In the 1980's the Sanford and Cornish Wards broke off of it. I than began attending the Sanford Ward, due to it's being 40 minutes closer to my home in Old Orchard Beach. In the 1990's after I had already started attending the Sanford Ward, the Saco Ward broke off of Cape Elizabeth, and the Cape Elizabeth Ward dissolved and ceased to exist leaving only the Portland Ward meeting in the building in Cape Elizabeth.
Unknown to me and without my permission or approval, the Sanford Ward sent my membership records to the Bishop of the Saco Ward, a Ward which I HAVE NEVER ATTENDED not once in my entire life. I remained in the Sanford Ward 3 years after this event took place, before I was told I could no longer attend the Sanford Ward due to the fact that the Saco ward had my records, and members are FORCED AGAINST THEIR WILL to attend which ever building hold their membership records. LDS members are, my Bishop informed me, NEVER ALLOWED THE FREE CHOICE to attend a Ward of their own chooseing and MUST BE DIS-FELLOWSHIPPED if they do not attend services in the building which church leaders have declared should hold their membership records.
How or why they choose to transfer my membership records to a building which I have never in my life attended, remains to this day, a mystery to me, as does this bizarre new law able not having any choice in which building you attend services in.
In any case. For many years, as many of you well know, I have received much violence at the hands of a few of the members - a small group, of outlandish "cultists" who are a far cry from anything the LDS church preaches or promotes. Indeed, their acts of heriacy and polygamy brand them to be followers of the FLDS church, not the LDS church which they attend. They are a small group, described by other members as "cultists" or "gypsies". They have a long history with the church, both in Maine and Utah, and are legendary for their several past attempts to overthrow the Prophet himself in Salt Lake. This bizarre family group and their multitudes of wives and at last count 264 children are behind nearly every single act of vandalism that has happened to me, my pets, and my home.
For many years they attended the Cape Elizabeth Ward and I had no peace from them. When I switched to the Sanford Ward, I FINALLY, for 3 short years, had peace and quite and was finally breaking out of my debilitating agoraphobia. Than, my Bishop in Sanford informed me that the Saco ward now had my records and I was no longer allowed to attend Sanford, and on the 2 occasions I returned since than, both times I was forcibly removed from the building and told not to set foot in it again - by my own husband, no less.
There is a reason I do not attend the Saco Ward, and why I never will. Those people - those vandals from Cape Elizabeth - now attend the Saco Ward. And two: because I will not attend ANY church service unaccompanied by my husband, for church doctrine forbids a wife to do so. I attended the Cape Elizabeth Ward with my husband - who drives. It is a 2 hour drive from my house, but I do not have a driver's license, nor am I able to get one due to my being nearly blind. I switched to the Sanford Ward when he did, but for some reason, in the move, the church sent my records to Saco instead of Sanford, and thus how this whole mess got started.
My husband still attends the Sanford ward, as that is where his records are, but he being even stricter with church laws than I am, will not even allow me to set foot in his car on Sunday, because the Bishop of the Saco Ward refuses to send my membership records back to the Sanford ward where they belong, and therefore not even my own husband will allow me to attend church services with him, because for some inexplicable reason, his records are in one building while mine are in another. And thus the church has cleanly divided my family, by forbidding us to attend services together on Sunday.
I was disfellowshiped for attending a building that did not hold my membership records 7 years ago this week. This week is the 7th anniversary since the last date on which I was allowed to attend church.
The word ALLOWED being the key here. I am not ALLOWED to attend church services in Sanford with my husband.
And I say all this to clarify the mad dash rumors that are currently circulating which say that I LEFT the church and am an INACTIVE member. I neither left the church nor became inactive. I have tried repeatedly to attend church services but am not allowed in the building when I get there.
I am deeply very traumatically upset by the actions of the men whom have gone to extremes to not allow me into the building. I have NEVER missed church not once in my entire life - not weekend, nor weekday nor morning nor night - I attended every class and every service throughout the week. You can't even begin to imagine how stressful these past seven years, of being not allowed to attend church, have been for me.
I have agoraphobia and I only ever left the house to attend church. The church was my one and only single access to Human contact. It's been 7 years since I've been allowed to have any contact with Humans on any level. I never stopped wanting to go to church. I never left the church. The fact that I am not allowed to so much as set foot in the building is tearing me apart, because it was my ONLY access to other living breathing Humans. I hate not being allowed to go to church.
All of these events are written out in a massive amount of detail, in my book For Fear of Little Men, and that is where the problem lays. You see, I have never in my entire life ever had contact with a single solitary non-Mormon. Not once. Because of this fact, every person involved in the acts of violence, was of course a Mormon - they couldn't be anything other than a Mormon because I have never known any one who was not a Mormon and these vandals were all people I knew.
So you see, there have been members (Mormons) reading my book and getting angry, saying that it is anti-Mormon propaganda, because of the fact that the vandals themselves were Mormons. These people are jumping to conclusions and adding more to my words than what I have actually said. Just because I am against these people and what they did, does not in anyway make me against the church. These people are not living up to the church doctrines and have no business calling themselves Mormons, but they are never the less.
You see, I am saying that these few members did things they should not have done, and any member in good standing would say the same thing. Now, if you are a Mormon - a true Mormon, one who actually lives the gospel and not just somebody who calls themselves a Mormon to sound "cool", than you too, would not want deviant criminals in your church corrupting it and giving it a bad name. But if you claim to be a Mormon and see nothing wrong with their actions, I really have to wonder - What the hell are you doing in a church which teaches these sorts of crimes are wrong, while you sanction those who commit those crimes?
Well, the thing is, people who are saying these things, accusing me, and spreading these false rumors about both me and my book, have not ACTUALLY read my book. What they read was bits and pieces of the DRAFT of my book, scattered about in random sections across this blog and other blogs. You see, I have Autism, and I can barely spell a simple three letter word, let alone try to spell every word in a 557 page book. To edit this massive sized book and all of it's 200,000+ words, required the help of my fellow online writers, and so, every few weeks, pieces of my book's draft were posted online on my blogs, in order they could help me with the spell checking.
In the end, only 238 pages of the book, ever got posted online, and none of that was formatted, and most of it was not in anything close to chronological order. As a result of reading only scattered bits and pieces here and there, and not reading the entire thing straight through beginning to end, people have taken much of what the book says out of context, and have twisted it's meaning into something completely different than what was intended. So, as you can see, what people read on my blog, wasn't even half of the entire book!
Because of the massive size of the book - 557 pages (in draft - the published book, comes out bigger - 578 pages I think) bigger than a Harry Potter book and is less than 10 pages shy of the Book of Mormon itself - it is thus hugely expensive to have printed up, and the publisher is unable to sell it for anything less than $27.99 (with me making only .68c per sale per copy!) I tried lowering the price, but they closed the listing when I did that, so I had to put it back up to the minimum of $27.99 to activate it again. They did let me add an eBook version, which was listed at $10, so that did bring the price down a bit.
After much tweaking and editing, I finally found a way that people can access the book for free, however, if you close the page, it goes back to page one again, and there does not seem to be a way to skip ahead, you have to click each page one at a time, to get back to where ever you were.
I tried copying the PDF into a blog post, but I'm afraid the PDF formatting comes out a bit wonky and loses it's formatting when pasted into RTF (which is what these blog posts are). That's why I couldn't copy and paste the entire file into a blog post before. The blog's formatting does not allow for 557 pages of text to be posted. That's why only half the draft (only 238 pages) got posted before. I tried posting a link to the PDF itself, but apparently no one could access it unless they came to my house and clicked the link from my personal computer itself, so that didn't work out either.
So, for now, the only way to read it for free, is via the "Preview page", but that does allow you to have the book itself right there on your screen and you turn the pages with a click of the mouse. You can read the entire PDF file, with all the proper formatting and illustrations HERE. Under the picture of the book cover, is a tiny almost unnoticeable link titled: "Preview". Click it. This will open the PDF file in a java popup, which allows you to read the entire book online for free. But as I said, there does not seem to be a way to skip ahead, you have to click each page one at a time, to get back to where ever you were, if you close the window.
For Fear of Little Men
Wendy C. Allen
Illustrated by Wendy C. Allen
Text copyright @ Wendy C. Allen 2008
Twighlight Manor and all related characters and elements are TM & ã Wendy C. Allen
All Publishing Rights ã Wendy C. Allen
All rights reserved.
Published by Twighlight Manor Press
This book was art directed by Wendy C. Allen
Cover art created by Wendy C. Allen using MSPaint
Interior illustrations by Wendy C. Allen
The text was set in 12 pt Arial.
It was printed and bound by LuLu.com
No part of this publication may be reproduced or stored in any retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without written permission of the publisher and author. For information regarding permission, write to:
The Twighlight Manor Press
Attention: Permissions Department
146 Portland Ave
Old Orchard Beach, ME
Printed in the USA
First Edition, 2009
ISBN: 978-0-557-30877-4 (pbk)
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2. Mental Health--Autism
3. Society--Homelessness in America
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