Not really that much better today. I seem to be suffering from a lack of coordination causing me to have difficulty walking. I can not go up or down stairs without falling down. My short term memory has all but disappeared - I went to the kitchen about 20 times tonight before I remembered that I went out there to cook tea. I went down to the road 3 times before I remembered I was down there to get the mail. It's been very difficult today, I've been retracing my movements all day because by the time I get where I was going I have no idea why I went there. It's extraordinarily frustrating. The frustration compounded by the fact that I can't seem to move fast at all, and have spent most of my time while walking - trying to brace myself from falling over.
The consensus seems to be that I had a stroke, caused by a lack of oxygen to the brain, triggered by the mass panic attack caused by the excommunication hearing Sunday. :( Wonderful - yet another way the church harassment has damaged my health.
Since the stroke was triggered by the church leaders' constant harassment - does that mean I now have grounds to take the LDS Church head on in court?
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Here are some links about strokes if anyone needs to find out more info about what is happening to me:
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REPOSTING EARLIER POSTS ON THIS MATTER:
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009
Excommunication for publishing my 2008 NaNoWriMo Book - Update
This post was in reply to a NaNoWriMo forum thread. (Some local "Bible Thumpers", knowing I was planning to attend the local NaNoWriMo write-its, crashed the writers meeting on October 14, 2009. ) This was my response to the NaNoWriMo thread about it.
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so sorry! I did not see this until just now - I had the Google calendar dates written down - which had the first meeting listed as the 21st. :( Dang - I wasn't doing anything on the 14th either - I could have gone. Oh well - now I know. Will go change the dates on my calendar.
Bible thumpers! YIKES! Probably someone I know too - I try to duck away from them - the whole excommunication thing has got some of them really pissed off at me the past few months. :( It's no secret that I'm not adhering to church rules as much as they'd like. (I'm about on the farthest end from Bible thumping as you can get.) I'm being excommunicated from my church because I published my 2008 NaNovel - I had posted the first draft of it online on my blog last December, and my bishop got a hold of it and did a total flip out . The church leaders have been on my back about it all summer. :( :( :(
I was supposed to go to an excommunication hearing (it's like a court with judges and witnesses and everything) this morning, but I was so stressed out about it that I ending up having a major panic attack and locked myself in my room instead. I've been going to the other meetings with the bishop and the other church leaders (some came in from out of state) and each one their accusation just get worse and worse and they never give me a chance to say anything in my own defense. Their latest accusation is to call me a witch consorting with demons! OMG! You could have floored me with THAT one! I mean, come on, what century are they living in here?
They've been pretty much holding back on the excommunication - in hopes that I would give in a not publish the book, but 3 days ago - I announced on my blog that I had received the proof copy and the sample cover art and had a preview of what the online catalog listing would look like - and I posted a copy of the info as well.
I guess my bishop watches my blog, because last night his counselor called me and told me I had to come in this morning and that they had brought in the State President (he's the guy who would than send the papers to the Prophet in Utah - who would in turn send Salt Lake Leaders here to Maine for the final hearing.)
Well, I called my high priest, and he is stunned - he says he can't figure out why or how my book got them so upset or why they are freaking out like this over it. He also said that with an excommunication proceeding, it doesn't matter what I say, they'll excommunicate whether I go or not, and that since my health is not really that good and stress makes it worse, he suggested that from now on I just ignore them and not go to any of the meetings, because there is no reason for me to put myself through the stress of sitting through all these hearings and listening to them belittle me. Well, I've been taking his advice for 22 years now and he's never steered me wrong before (and he was a priest many years before the Bishop was even born, so he actually knows the church laws better.)
So, I took his advice and didn't go to the hearing this morning, but than they called both my mom, and my dad and my 3 brothers and my step dad in, I guess because I didn't show up, and from what they (my family) tell me, they got interrogated up one side and down the other. I guess the Stake President is really pissed that he came all the way down here and I didn't show up. Well, after they called my family in, I was here alone at the house and I did a total meltdown wipe out panic attack - only thing I could think to do was to call my high priest and he came down from Wells and spent the day with me until I was calmed down enough to be left alone again. He's really pissed off at the fact that they are getting me upset like this.
And I know I'm rambling - sorry - I didn't mean to unload all my problems like that, but this whole thing just happened about 2 hours ago and I haven't quite calmed down yet - my heart rate is just through the roof right now. I'm drinking tea and trying to relax and trying to think about plotting my NaNovel and worrying that they'll get freaked out over the one I'm writing this year - it's really getting in the way of my planning, actually. I gotta just keep telling myself to breeeeeeaaaath and relax and try to think happy thoughts - like plotting my NaNovel. I tried going to sleep, but I started having nightmares about the bishop and I can't go for a walk because the snow is really coming down right now, so I'm here on the forums instead and hoping that I can find something here to take my mind off of this, but uhm... this post kind of tells me that that isn't working either. So sorry for interrupting your thread.
MONDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2009
HELP! Any doctors out there? Medical advice?
I know the first answer is going to be "Go to the hospital." but before you say that, I've tried going to the hospital many times in the past. The receptionist starts filling out my info - asks what type of insurance I have - I tell her I don't have and can't get any. (the links tells you why in more detail, I posted about this before.) As soon as they hear that, they stop filling out my forms and tell me to leave, saying they are not allowed to treat any one without medical insurance. :( :( :( I have not seen a doctor since I was 17 years old. The moment I turned 18, I was too old for insurance and was never eligible to get any from anywhere.
That said, I don't know exactly what is wrong. I've never really had anything like this happen before, so I don't know what is wrong or what to do about it. If you read my last post, you'll know more about the events of this morning which, I'm assuming led up to this, and I'm also assuming that what is wrong is directly caused byan inordinate amount of stress, the past few years, which has been building up for the past few months.
My symptoms:
First off, my stomach (belly? gut? intestine? that basic area) feels like a giant wearing cleats is jumping on me. Lots of stabbing sharp pains in lots pf places, but all in the same basic area. They really, really hurt, really, really, bad. It's like menstrual cramps only lots of them and magnified 100 times more painful. I can not stand up, I can barely sit up long enough to type this. My lower back is also aching, which I think may be a side effect of these stabbing pains.
Secondly, as mentioned in my last post - my heart is racing - it feels like it is just going faster and faster and faster - like someone put it into overdrive and it is stuck there and can't slow down, it can only beat faster. It feels like my heart has multiplied and there are now hundreds of tiny hearts all over me - in my lungs, my head, my ears, my neck, my arms - I guess that must be a throbbing caused by my blood trying to speed up fast enough to match my heart rate? That's the only thing I can thinks of that it must be.
My lungs feel, i don't know - weird - it's really hard to breath, like someone reached in and is squeezing them so I can't breath. I don't know how else to describe it.
My head is pounding - it feels like there are sledge hammers all around me - pounding me from all sides. It hurts an awful lot. I've never had a headache that felt like this before. It's a very scary feeling.
I am very, very, very, very dizzy - my head feels like a balloon, like it's not there - like it filled with helium and floated away - a very light headed feeling - I do not think I could stand up or walk right now with out falling over. This seems to be spreading - my arms feel like they are going numb, making it hard for me to type this. It's a very weird and scary sensation, because it is like I am losing control over my body.
I don't know what to do. I know I should go to the hospital, but I can't because I don't have insurance. I don't have a doctor I can call either, because of the same reason. Please help. If any one knows what I can do to stop this pian, please let me know. Thank you.
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EDIT
I must have passed out - I don't remember falling asleep. :( Just woke up and I'm wicked dizzy - but I don't hurt as much as I did last night. That was about 4 AM and it's now 9:30 AM. Just looked in the mirror - all my color is gone - I'm whiter than white. Not sure what caused that????? I've got a weird chill now - my whole body feels like I'm burning up (I must have a really high fever or something) but I'm freezing cold at the same time - I can't stop shivering. My right side hurts - like my right ovary is throbbing - in that area - do ovaries throb? I'm not good with biology - I don't know what else is in that area.
I'm so dizzy right now - everything is like it's all spinning around me. I walked to the bathroom and back, but I felt top heavy, like I was gonna fall over - had to hold on to the wall to walk. My head is throbbing and my eyes hurt - everything is blurry, more so than usual - that's not good, I'm also blind as it is - I can barely see 8 inches in front of me on a good day. :( I feel really strange - like I'm not attached to my body, or something, I don't know how else to describe it, it's just a really weird sensation. I think I need to lay down. I can't stop shivering - I'm going to go make a hot-water-bottle and than go to bed.
It's times like this, I wish I had a husband to take care of me. I really hate being alone. Even if I just had a friend I could talk to, would be nice. Church members and their superstitious crazed hysterics saw to that. Twenty years of being shunned. It makes life really hard when no one will look at you let alone talk to you. :( In a few weeks it should have been my 7th anniversary. Church leaders put a stop to the wedding. November is a really bad month for me - most every death in my life happened in November. The wedding that got canceled was supposed to be in November. Maybe that's why I throw myself into NaNoWriMo with such a driving force - to try to forget. :(
I'm so dizzy right now - everything is like it's all spinning around me. I walked to the bathroom and back, but I felt top heavy, like I was gonna fall over - had to hold on to the wall to walk. My head is throbbing and my eyes hurt - everything is blurry, more so than usual - that's not good, I'm also blind as it is - I can barely see 8 inches in front of me on a good day. :( I feel really strange - like I'm not attached to my body, or something, I don't know how else to describe it, it's just a really weird sensation. I think I need to lay down. I can't stop shivering - I'm going to go make a hot-water-bottle and than go to bed.
It's times like this, I wish I had a husband to take care of me. I really hate being alone. Even if I just had a friend I could talk to, would be nice. Church members and their superstitious crazed hysterics saw to that. Twenty years of being shunned. It makes life really hard when no one will look at you let alone talk to you. :( In a few weeks it should have been my 7th anniversary. Church leaders put a stop to the wedding. November is a really bad month for me - most every death in my life happened in November. The wedding that got canceled was supposed to be in November. Maybe that's why I throw myself into NaNoWriMo with such a driving force - to try to forget. :(
Find Out More About My 2008 NaNoWriMo Book Which the LDS/Mormon Church is up in arms about. (NOTE - this link goes to the unedited proof of the book and not to the actual listing.)
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