Thursday, October 22, 2009

Eleven Days Til NaNoWriMo and Stroke Update

Was just reading: Eleven more days! a post by Chris Baty, boy do I hope I'm feeling better before the start date. I went to the first meeting today - well, it was the second meeting of the year, but I missed the first one cause Google Calendar screwed up the dates. My attendance to the meetings, may prove difficult this year, after what happened Sunday, however, I am determined not to let this thing stop me. I can't - not in November - the death toll over the past 30 years is more than 2 dozen, all died in November, than 7 years ago, my November wedding was canceled by church leaders who refused to allow us to marry.  I joined NaNoWriMo the following year. It is the only thing that can take my mind off the fact that November is such a terrible mess of hellish memories for me. I can't not, do NaNoWriMo, I'd go out of my mind if I had to push threw November on my own with nothing to occupy my time.

I had a stroke on Sunday night/Monday morning (not sure the exact time seeing how I blacked out and did not wake up until 9 AM Monday morning.) It seems the 30 years of harassment and the 9 year stretch of steady non-ending stress the vandals, death threats, paint ball attacks, the flood from cut water pipes, the house being set fire to, the pet food recall of 2007 killing off most of my cats overnight, the 75 hens slaughtered and left hanging in my rose bushes, the stretch of homelessness and living through 2 blizzards under a tarp, the exorcism attempts by fanatics who say I'm demon possessed, the excommunication, and not once a break between one event ending and the next one starting, finally caught up with me and my body has simply shut down and is refusing to allow me to move let alone do any thing. I am supposed to be staying in bed around the clock and not getting up at all, but, a farmer living alone who has to constantly fight off vandals and harassment, does not have that option. So, I try to get all the barn chores done and pretty much do nothing else at all.

I have not been writing, I have not been sewing, I've not been able to keep up with my mod duties as a Squidoo Angel, I just can't do anything at all, my body is completely refusing to respond. The only writing I've done all week, is these blog posts to keep you updated on my health, and I'm having a really hard time doing them. I've not been eating either. I can't cook, I can't stand up long enough to cook anything. I can't walk to the food pantry (homeless shelter) , it's too far away. I've pretty much been living on tea, hot chocolate, pickles, and soda since Sunday, because I can get them without cooking or standing over the stove. My ability to stand is limited, as is my ability to walk. The dizziness has not gone away yet, nor has the lightheartedness - for three days now, everything has just been spinning around me.

Years ago, I used to have problems walking - one of my legs used to cramp up something fierce, as a result I ended up making and leaning to use a quarter staff (a big stick about 5 feet tall - used by warriors to crack open the enemy's skull - and also served as a sturdy walking stick.) when I was about 14 years old. I do not have it any more - it was one of the things stolen the day the vandals broke in and took a sledge hammer to everything I owned in April 2007. What they did not steal, they smashed. :(

Anyways, today I went out into what is left of the woods (they've been cutting trees down all week) and found me a limb to make another quarter staff out of. I find I can walk around more or less okay if I lean my weight on it, so that helps some. At least it allows me to make it to the barn, across the steep rocky cliff hill and the narrow brook, that is between the tent/tarp and the barn. So that solves the problem of getting up and down the hill at least.

I did make it too the NaNoWriMo meeting this morning - without the staff - I made the staff this after noon after the meeting. I'm supposed to be taking aspirin, to keep my blood thin, because this was a mini-pre-stroke which happens before a major big stroke and I need to thin my blood to prevent a full on stroke, but no money + no insurance = no way to get any aspirin. I can't use Alieve - it's owned by Proctor and Gamble. I can't take Teylenol, cause I can't stop vomiting every time I do take it - guess I'm allergic to it or something. I can take Children's Teylenol, except I don't have any and no way to get any either. But hey - who cares about the homeless woman right? All she's good for is to shoot paint balls at after all. I did, eventually find some Advil, not sure how old they are, but I took 3 of them before going to the meeting and they seemed to work - at least they blocked out the pain long enough so I could walk into the library and sit down, and I was able to be there for the NaNoWriMo meeting at least. Of course, they wore off a few hours later. There are meeting once a week between now and December - I figure if I don't use any of the Advil the rest of the week/month, and take them before each meeting, I should have enough to last until December, so at least I'll be able to attend the NaNoWriMo Writ-Ins this year. Hopefully.

I don't know - they say, mild stroke side effects like mine (movement, loss of balance, etc) usually go away with time as the muscles regain their strength (though the memory loss problem is more likely to be permanent.) and that I should look forward to walking about normally again, so long as I keep my blood thinned, stress at bay, and get bed rest. :( :(

No access to aspirin, so I can't keep my blood thin.

It's highly unlikely that the church members, church leaders, or my domineering relatives are going to suddenly find it in their hearts to be anything less than cruel, so the stress isn't likely to leave either. The constant emails telling me I'm going to hell for committing the sin of being a female over 16 years of age and not yet married - especially at this time of the year on what would have been the anniversary of my wedding had church leaders not stepped in, really doesn't help my stress levels any either - in fact those constant chiding hurt worse than the paint balls did. Their emails have gotten worse of late seeing how I now have a couple of cousins who are younger than me and as of this year are now grandmothers. They've been pumping up that fact heavy the past few months.

No husband. No family. No friends. I'm a farmer. I can't not take care of the animals. I can let the garden go. The animals need care every single day. No husband. No family. No friends. No help. No bed rest.

I don't think my hopes of recovery are looking too bright right now. All I really have to look forward too right now is NaNoWriMo, and hope I can keep myself alive, long enough to get For Fear of Little Men out of it's uncorrected proof formate.

Find Out More About My 2008 NaNoWriMo Book Which the LDS/Mormon Church is up in arms about. (NOTE - this link goes to the unedited proof of the book and not to the actual listing.)

What's your take on this? I'd love to hear what you have to say about this post. Leave a comment and share your views!

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